Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
