ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
