I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
