When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
