dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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