he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
