dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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