I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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