i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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