I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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