When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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