just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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