I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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