He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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