I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
