Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
