we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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