When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
