I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
