I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
