I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
