I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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