I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
