going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
