If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
