my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
