At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
