Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
