Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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