Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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