Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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