I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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