Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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