Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
