PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
