You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
