Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
