I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
