I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
