OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
