the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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