someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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