you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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