I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
