also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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