It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
