I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
