I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
