foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
