Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
