im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
