If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
